In the Burg born of Harris by the sturdy Susquehanna,
In the heart of Penn’s Woods, sent like heavenly Manna,
Near the end of October, ‘midst her blustery death throes,
Two score shy Millennium Kevin Wagner arrove...

A grand entrance it was for such a grand little boy;
The pride of his parents, the source of their joy.
But six minutes, alas, ended his brief one-man show
When twin sister arrived to spread misery and woe.

Though his formative years are enshrouded in mystery,
He showed some proficiency in math, science and history.
This, and the development of poor eyesight and teeth,
May explain how “geek” flowered as a common belief.

Indeed, Kevin rarely took to the court, field or gym,
Blessed with meager talents to run, jump or swim.
But to music he took like a bow to the strings,
Learning sax, guitar and keyboard, among other things.

He learned early on how to study and pass tests.
He learned to avoid classmates with felony arrests.
He learned just enough to graduate 10^th in his class.
And he learned a sense of humor could well save his ass!

He set off, after high school, to go matriculate
At the school in State College folks all know as Penn State.
There, serendipity served up an odd twist of fate...
Ex-football jock, Derek, for his brand new roommate.

Together in North Halls (Holmes Hall, second floor),
That’s where they met Setzer; Paul lived just next door.
That first term was stellar, straight A’s and Dean’s List.
Then the guys introduced Kevin to something he’d missed.

To something that he never, in high school, had tried –
Beer, Wine and Liquor -- How his eyes opened wide!
They gathered in Paul’s room ‘til the hours were wee
And they all drank Southern Comfort and Peachy Hi-C.

It’s fair to say Kevin’s life changed some that day.
Why, the “Bronto’s” liver grew three sizes, they say.
Yes, life had more to offer than studying and grades
And he did his best to see it all through a blurry beer haze.

He learned squash and racquetball were sports he could play.
He learned girls named Melanie should just go away.
He learned that Derek had too much free time on his hands
And he learned that he had made some very special friends.

He graduated with an Electrical Engineering degree
And worked for a company in State College -- HRB.
Nothing much happened for the next ten or so years.
He dated few girls, but drank plenty of beers.

Kevin has changed quite a bit from his youth.
He got better glasses and got rid of that tooth.
He lives with a beautiful redhead named Debbie;
A certified graduate in advanced massage therapy!

He guides Happy Hour each week as BIGCHEESE,
Wielding ultimate power, along with BIGSQUEEZE.
He’s traveled abroad, for both business and pleasure.
He loves to get Derek in trouble with young Heather.

Lastly, he learned he wasn't so bad at sports.
He even won a championship on the volleyball courts.
But in the valiant struggle for Athletic Cup pride,
He’s oft been the bridesmaid, but just once the bride.

Damn the Torn Toenails! Full speed ahead!
He’ll continue to vie for the Cup ’til he’s dead.
And perhaps, should he win it once more ’gainst the spread,
He can then remove the Wagner Cup from off of his head!